Central CA. – Apparently cows just aren’t happy… again. A single instance of Mad Cow Disease has been found in a dairy cow in central California. We thought happy cows come from California. You get free healthcare and meals. You get to play outside all day and have crazy cow orgies with bulls and heifers picked specifically for you to have your way with. That sounds like paradise, you ungrateful bastards. What gives, you four-legged, bovine asshats?
We’ve decided that we’re a little ticked off with you. So in protest of your ungrateful and snide attitude, we’ve decided to eat nothing but beef until every last one of you can realize how easy you have it. We’re donning our rubber aprons and going all Texas Chainsaw Massacre on your asses. Fire up the grill, baby. Daddy’s bringing home filet tonight.
In a Senate vote yesterday, Democrats fell 9 votes short in a proposal to introduce a thirty percent tax on buffet restaurants. We we’re pleased to hear that our beloved Super King #6 Dragon Fun Time Chinese buffet down the street isn’t going to fall victim to yet another attempt by “the man” to keep our people down. If we had to pay a thirty percent tax on some damn mu shu pork or crab rangoon, we’d be leaving some flaming poo poo platters on some Senators’ doorsteps!
Wait a second… what? We thought you said buffet. Buffett? Who the hell is Warren Buffett? Any relation to Jimmy? No? Oh well, at least we still have our crab rangoon.
Slovakian geneticist Viktor Stanislav successfully succeeded in creating a successful cross between two animal species yesterday. By mixing embryotic stem cells from Felis catus and Agalychnis calidryas, Stanislav has created the first designer interspecies pet, which he calls mokrá mačička žaba, or “wet kitty frog”.
Regardless of whether we can pronounce that or not, it’s friggin’ adorable and we want twenty-eight of them running around the office.
In a related story, restaurants in Chinatown are reporting record setting profits due to a substantial increase in availability of low cost quality mystery meat. Crazy cat ladies worldwide… time to trade up before it’s too late.
We’ve been trying to follow the Occupy (insert location here) movement that has been going on around the country. The key word in that sentence is trying. It seems online media has gone to extreme measures to derail focus from evidentiary videos in favor of the protesters’ rights.
Case in point. Why must Youtube tempt us down a path of fuzzy cuteness when we’re looking for serious videos from the front lines? I’ll click the damn link, Youtube… but I’ll pretend not to like it.
OK, OK, OK… we know. We’ve been busy, and in turn, we’ve been neglecting you all for way too long. We’ve gotten a bunch of complaints. We’ve gotten weird phones calls in the middle of the night with stalker-esque, heaving breathing on the other end. Well that wasn’t so bad, but they never called us back the next day when we asked them to. They even spray painted our dog purple. The bastards!
Well they let us out of the basement, and now we’re ready to get back on track. Keep you’re eyes open for new stories and videos, and maybe we can get this ball rolling again.
