07.Oct.2009 Are they gay? Our primer to effectively determining sexual preference.
Ever wonder why your high school football teammate wont stop talking about the TV show So You Think You Can Dance? Maybe your old sorority sister wanted to “experiment” with you, but you weren’t sure why. Perhaps your brother’s favorite singer is Barbra Streisand? These situations might be confusing to some people. But not to worry, we’re here to clear up the confusion with a simple explanation. It might be that they’re gay. That’s right, gay. We know, you’re probably asking yourself, “self, how can I tell if that person is really gay?” Well, there are two approaches. The first involves a obtaining a sophisticated piece of equipment called Gaydar, of which there are only two known devices in existence (the US Army is said to possess one). The device is also extremely expensive due to the rarity of the main component, one of J. Edgar Hoover’s testicles, and can not be purchased by anyone with less then a trillion dollars in the bank. The second approach, and the more effective of the two, is a little thing we like to call “The NukeYourBrain.Com Primer To Effectively Determining Sexual Preference In a Sexually Apathetic World”, or the NYB.CPTEDSPIASAW (pronounced Nib-Kipt-Eds-Pia-Saw).
Step one is the most “straight” forward (pun intended). Does the person appear to dress in a manner that would allow you to assume they are in fact a switch hitter? Check their shoes. Do they match their wallet? Do their socks match their tie? For men, the fad of being metro in most cases is a result of being secretively bi, and being bi is really just being gay. If a guy wears pink and says it’s a power color, he might just be gay after all. Other things to look for include murses, men’s crocs, and his-and-his items laying around their place. Women on the other hand are more deceptive. Step one doesn’t always work for women, however. Due to this, you need to combine other steps in our primer to effectively determine sexual orientation.
Step two involves observing the persons actions towards members of the opposite sex. Whether they admit it or act upon it, men and women, by nature, are sex addicts. The easiest way to determine sexual orientation in relationship to this fact is easy. Put a man or woman around half-naked, sexually charged members of the opposite sex and see what they do. If they do not ogle the member’s member or look like they enjoy the company of the member, then they are probably gay. Can you tell who the gay man is in this picture? Again, women are harder to judge, so all steps must be combined before a result can be drawn.
The third step involves observing what the person purchases. If the person has Golden Gaytime ice cream bars in their freezer, well then they might be gay. It takes a certain someone to purchase a item with the phrase “4 delicious chances to have a gay time” on the box. Other purchased items of concern might be the LARGE bottle of KY jelly, cucumbers if they hate salad, and lots of leather clothing (for men) or flannel clothing (for women). Don’t assume that because they have copies of Out! magazine on their coffee table that they are gay. They could belong to their roommate’s.
Last but not least, step four. This is the tried and true method that we have found to work the best. It’s called an intervention. Sometimes you just need to sit down and discuss the situation with the person. Explain to them that you know that they’re gay, and that you’re alright with it. Even if you don’t truly know this for a fact, sometimes they will just come out and admit it. Hell, they might break down and confess their love for you after all these years, which will leave you rethinking all the sleepovers the two of you had in the last month. If they don’t come out right then and there, rinse and repeat until they finally crack one day. Trust us, it will happen eventually. It might even happen when you least expect it, but make sure you provide them with the support they need… like the people in the story to the left (click for larger image).
Now that you’ve read this primer, you’re probably feeling like you can answer that question that’s been eating away at you for so long. However, now that you’ve learned the steps involved, you’re required to pass them on to others. Teach them as you have been taught today, and the world might be a more knowledgeable place.
***Footnote: In no way shape or form are we trying to “gay bash” in this post. We just found some funny pictures and decided that they fit together in a neat little story. If you were offended, we’re truly sorry. Remember, there are idiots out there that are probably taking this story literally. They’re the ones to be angry at.
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