18.Sep.2009 Life is all good in the aluminum ghetto. Ghetto Roll Call, vol. 1
The term “trailer park trash” isn’t just limited to the garbage that’s put out in mobile home communities every week. No, it’s something more then that. For some, it’s a way to classify the less intelligent, skeezier, dirtier segment of the general population that we tend to look down at. For some, it’s the only reason Jerry Springer was so successful all those years (we think it was the midgets fighting over a 300lb women who turned out to be a man, and was sleeping with her dad). For others, it’s a way of life. The first volume of Ghetto Roll Call is for those people… because, sometimes, life is all good in the aluminum ghetto.
Sometimes life throws you a curveball. Somehow Jed Bob didn’t pull out in time, and you end up knocked up. It was bound to happen. After all, your idea of proper birth control practices are anal sex and the day after pill. Mistakes aside, you now need to get a job and start saving money for your upcoming medical bills. But when you started lactating all over your “clients” at the Velvet Clam strip club, your boss Rex gave you the boot. Where are you supposed you get work now? Hooters, of course! Maybe guys wont notice your baby bulge over your milk-filled fun sacks. The job is great, and you make some decent cash in little to no time at all.
You find out your not alone. There’s a lot of women like you right in your park, and you start to feel like part of a community. You start a TV club… well, because a book club is a little beyond what you can fathom. You host weekend keggers and smoke-outs in your mobile home to easy the tension of serving hot wings to guys that cant help but try to grope your amazing prego body. Eventually, you and the girls decide it would be fun to hold a pregnant beauty pageant down at the trailer park’s rec center. You win by default when the other girls start grappling over the trophy and go into labor two months early. All the guys will want you now. That’ll show that good for nothing Jed Bob.
The day you dreaded comes early, and you give birth to a somewhat beautiful baby girl 4 weeks ahead of schedule. The doctor says she’ll be ok, and that your obvious drug, alcohol and tobacco usage during the pregnancy hasn’t inhibited her health at all. Well, with the exception of the fact that she’ll have to repeat the fourth grade three times, but you don’t know that yet. You name her Loula Jo, after your first pet hamster. Life is good right now. In fact, you still have your shapely physique, and Rex gave you your old job back at the Velvet Clam. Awesome!
Jed Bob is running around with a new tramp now, and he hasn’t been watching Loula Jo as much as he said he would. Babysitters are expensive, and you need money for liquor and manicures, so you start working double shifts at the Clam. Your daddy jumps at any chance he can to help watch Loula Jo, which is awesome because he lives in the next trailer over. You’re really stoked because your dad really seems to love her a lot. He’s always giving her kisses and hugs like he gave you when you were a little girl. And he loves playing games with her. Just the other day you came home and they were playing dress up, although they hadn’t put any clothes on yet… but they were going to at least.
The stress of working double shifts starts to get to you. You find comfort in binge eating, and gain weight exponentially. You try to fight the urge to eat by taking massive amounts of diet pills, but they only thin your hair and cause you to bleed from your anus. Luckily, you’re neighbor’s son just came back from Iraq, where he lost vision in both eyes after a near death explosion. He’s a handsome fellow. You begin dating, and one day he pops the big question. The trailer park holds a huge reception, and there’s free booze and hotdogs for everyone. It’s the best day of your life, and it would have never happened if you weren’t raised in an aluminum ghetto.
White trash and trailer park trash everywhere… this is your Ghetto Roll Call.
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